Told By Someone

Someone Told Me Something Yesterday.

At First ,

She Asked Me " What is the feeling for being single ?"

I seriously don't know how to answer this question at that moment.

Single For Me is A normal thing. I Answered her " i also don't know. i have no special feeling for it."

A "Boyfriend" Talk Yesterday With Her .

Got A warning And Reminding From her.

" Not to find someone you don't love. Not To find someone that treat you bad. Find Someone who Worth It."

She said , she feels that "my future boyfriend" will be very love and care about me.

I felt so weird why she say this ? But is a good thing for me isn't it ?

But then next thing she said is : you will be extremely love and care about him too. maybe more than he gives you."

I was warned that i should control about this.

I was warned that i need to be very clear and find someone who really worth the love from me.

If not i will be extremely hurt after this.

because the 6 years feeling of myself towards the guy.

i told myself that i seriously need to find someone who really worth.

Many of my friends asked me , when you want to get in a relationship ?

Yesterday , i told her :

" Is not that I have a very high expectation for my boyfriend. Is just the right one haven't appear in front of me. So many years , i only like one guy. And no other peoples exits or can take over his place yet. maybe i don't have feeling on him already but its still a memories for me. "

" Sometimes times isn't right. I like the people who Don't like me , the peoples who have feeling on me is who i don't like."

and She told me to take the first step if i found someone that i have feelings on him. for example talk to him first .

i said " you should know my pattern. For me , if no people comes and talks to me, or i have nothing to say i won't chat with peoples. This is me."

I WON'T BE THE ONE WHO TAKE THE FIRST STEP. TAKE NOTE ON IT.

My tears actually fall when she warned me all the things.

It is so warmed. 

i am a girl that don't know everything about relationship. because i seriously didn't been through it.

19 years old. LOLS.

she said , i must be going out work after 1 or 2 years only i will be having a relationship.

LOL.

I asked her , my type of him is it too high ? is it seriously hard to find someone to replace it?

she said yes.

i know , for a girl like me should put my expectation lower and lower.

i admit that sometimes i wish i also have a "him" beside me.

but this thought will only appeared in my mind for 1 seconds.

who doesn't want a "him" to be by your side to do something you don't dare to do ?

for example : watch ghost movie.

XD

watch ghost movie with "him" is the most wanted thing i want to do with my boyfriend.

so my boyfriend cannot scared of ghost , must be brave.

the second thing is go to haunted house with "him".

hahhahaha...

because this 2 thing i had done with my friends.

and no one time is i can go into the haunted house successfully.,

because i remember , everytime went into the haunted house ,the moment they close the entrance , i already shout i wanted to go out  !

hahhahahahaha.. so no one time is success for me to go in haunted house.

for haunted movie , i don't wish to watch in cinema.

but at house , open laptop or tv. prepare pillow and blanket around me.

i think is the best dates ever for me.

hahhahahahha....

this is the only thing i want to try with my "HIM".

The others thing i seriously don't know already ><

Don't purposely look for "HIM" . When time comes , when faith comes , You will have it. 

Midnight Thought

Midnight thought this kind of thing I don't really do.

But once a life time , why not.

Viewing other peoples illustration from tumblr , make me feels , 

" ITS MY ARTWORK CALLED DESIGN OR JUST RUBBISH ?"

I am still thinking am I choose correctly about my diploma course..

" As a graphic designer " ? This is what i din't think to do before.

I ask many of them , why are you choosing graphic design , and many of them is because they like drawing.

But for me , this course is chosen by my dad.

I am a girl that don't think too much , or you can say is , don't know what is my target.

they all are talented in drawing , patient in drawing ...

But My drawing level is a kid drawing level.

SHAME ON ME . 

i want to improve myself so badly..

but how ?

" People are all improving but me ? i feel like i'm still standing at the same starting point.."

this is absolutely saying myself.

i thought my Photoshop or illustrator skill is under improving .

but looks at other people works , they did even better than mine.

what can i do ?

can somebody tell me ?

i am not creative , i am not talented in drawing , i am not talented in designing , i am not good in this industry.

SHARE.

心情文

我很少在这个部落格写关于自己的心情，想法，甚至是自己的故事。
我觉得我这个部落格应该要-是开心的，给自己看回做了些什么的-就好像日记。
你平时只会看到我写关于和朋友去那里，还是一些别的活动。
因为课业还蛮繁重，所以我最近很少在这里出现。
最近也没发生些特别的事，除了每天去上学，放学，就是做功课了。

最近的心情不知为何很沉重，很空，很闷，很累。
生活上，也没什么瓶颈，也没什么不愉快。
或者是突然觉得前途茫茫吧。
另一个学期了，说要期中考了，真的觉得时间过的好快，另一个长的学期又要结束了。
说真的，这个科目，我真的不懂我选择对了吗。
我是那种，画画又不好，没有想法，没有创意的人，我也是那种不能背书的人。
就因为这样，我曾对上大学的事苦恼很久。
一个半学期过了，想回去，自己好像什么都没学到。只知道自己一直都在赶功课。
一直赶，一直赶。
也觉得自己越来越不像人。做的东西不像人。觉得自己也越来越颓废。

一直想知道人家对自己的了解，可是那个人好像还没出现。
其实我觉得，每个人都会戴着面具。就好像说不想给人看到里面的自己在想什么。
当然，我也戴着。从人那里听到的自己是一个很复杂的东西。其实没人懂。
可以说我霸道，可以说我自私，可以说我不好，可以说一切东西。
因为都不懂，所以不责怪。
我相信没有一个人会真真的懂你，没有。100% 没有。
也或许自己都不懂。
有几年没和人说心事？心事代表什么？心情为什么不好？说真的不懂，真的不懂。
有时候，就不想讲话。一个人静静的。
我知道有时候我会很凶，就因为我声音的量度，和眼神。
可是都不懂，讲完一句骂人的话，心里会有多内疚，内疚我没资格骂他，内疚他是我的朋友啊。#这就是狮子座。 骂完了，自己内疚。
真真发脾气，凶人，却一次都没有。忍耐度太好。=）
回想去，我是到大学才变成那么凶。所以人都说我凶。
还有的人说，我有男朋友后，会是那种泼辣的女朋友。可是我觉得那是不可能的。
或许有时候会以泼辣的形式去扮演自己玩玩，可是我觉得我不会成为那种女朋友。
可是说出来，也没人相信。

有时候，你被人误解，你不想争辩，所以选择沉默。本来就不是所有的人都得了解你，因此不必对全世界喊话。那么，不想说话，就不说吧，在多说无益的时候，也许沉默就是最好的解释。#这是我。 可是当我不解释时，人就会说我不爽了。

我设计了一个让人觉得我是没心的人的设计图。重点是: HEARTLESS & EMOTIONLESS.
是要告诉人，当人经历了不同的事，他就会慢慢改变。而我选择了做无情，少感情的人。
那样才对自己就好。After being hurt so many times, #Leo will become heartless.
你觉得好吗？做无情，狠心的人，好吗。
我觉得我能够做狮子座女还不错。很适合。twitter follow @cjoannn 你就会知道更多，最近都在retweet我觉得像我的东西。尤其是说关于狮子座的。

不想要继续写了，因为我懂这么长的东西都没人看。这只是让部落格重现生机的文章，或许过不久，我又会把它删除。

Joan

2-nov-2013

1.08pm ended.

Guilty .

i don't want to be a powerless women , i want to be bravely.

i make my blog as my diary.
you can see all the post here is about , what special things had happen to me.
and normally is some outing post .
blog is a very best place to let me save my photos. i posted every photos that i took .
i don't really like to write a very long passage that full of words for one blog post .. ( its boring )
blog post that full of words is really looked nicer ( or "special") .
but i love photos more than words . is this a designer attitude ?

back to the topic ,
today , 3-9-2013 1.30am , tuesday .
i am going to blog about what i hate myself at this moment.
i dont know how to express the feelings right now . but i just hate myself.
counted as a Guilt article ...?

" I AM A Shopaholic "

I dont know you remember anot , that i mention in one of my blog post said that : if i save money , i save a lot , if i spent money , i spent a lot.

and i save hundreds(ssssssss) in three months ( during first semester )
because i got no where to go . and once i back home on weekends ( KK)  , i stayed at home for my assignments.

and now , i just passed my semester break 2 weeks . and 20+ days coming...
in this 2 weeks , i spent myself almost RM400++ .
all about shopping.
* i found out i started became a shopaholic is when i was form 5.*
i felt so stupid if i buy nothing during an outing.
then what for you go shopping centre ?  : " DOn't answer me window shopping , this is also a no point answer . "
and i spent my dad almost RM3000 in this 2 weeks .
WTF ! well , is because of my dad bought me a DSLR for my second semester.
he spent a lot for my course and i hope i wont let him disappointed.
and now , i still have to pay for my new unit rental deposit fees..
i shift to PV13 from PV15.
its a very long story.
 Pv 15 is a place that where i used to live during college time.
and now , i shift to PV 13 is because of housemates problem , and maybe living with friends , everyday will be happy . not as boring as i staying at PV15.
well , its ok to pay the RM700++
but my mom are not really willing to let me shift there because there got nothing , no any facilities.
we have to buy washing machine and refrigerator ourselves. ( see!  another amount of money =X )
and i paid my sept rental for PV15 . if i not managed to find a new tenant , i STILL have to pay RM250 for the oct too... and that time i already shift to PV13. Is not worth it.
this is what we used to called : 两头不到岸。

my family and i are having a trip on next friday to singapore.
YOU should know , malaysia Ringgit change to Singapore money is how many percent.
and now ,  have to spent so much.. and i can't help.
* still planning to get some souvenir for my friends =( no money so how ? *
i planned to get a freelance job with one of my friend too..
but because of transport problem , so we gave up.

20 more days and my second semester will start , and that time my dad still need to find 1k + for my school fees..

i feels so sorry for my dad , and this is why i decided to write this blog post.
usually i will opened my blog ( if nothing to do ) and read back my old blog post.
i hope it helps me to remind myself...
i feels so guilty that my dad use so many money on me for this college time.

i worked , of course i save some money too.. but this is 6 months ago.
i used my salary to buy myself an ipad and a camera.
and a lot of clothes--  this is why i din't really have some money in my account before i start my college.
so the second semester going to start in three weeks time...
i have an idea that the third semester i am going to pay the school fees myself ( if i can)
when the third semester start is after chinese new year , if it is not mistaken.

AND this course is going to use an unpredicted amount of money...
Can't predict how much we are going to spent during the second semester too.

i am the eldest in the house , all my dad have is only 3 little daughter.
: HONESTLY , i do love my dad more than my mom.
as my dad is the only one who working , but he paid for everything.
he need to feed 4 human ,1 dog , 1 car and 1 house ...
still got those bank cards and all the bills...
so before i register for my college , i always think that ,
every course will do , i just want to study a course that give me a good future , and let me find some money to take care of them or help my dad relieve some stress about financial..
parents do not know i have this thought in my mind.
and i dint tell them. i will not tell them about this.
for my parents , they still think i am a kid ....

i ended this post at here , is a post that i felt guilty for my dad.

i am happy my dad is my dad . #LOL

love you.

and THANK YOU.

IRON MAN PROTECT THE WORLD ,
 I WILL PROTECT AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY . ( IN THE FUTURE , I PROMISED.) 

JOAN CHUA

2.42am

那段回忆。

好久没有写华语了，今天让我回归一下写华语的滋味。

回归正传。。。。。

Twitter 你们都知道吧？ 在那里看到一位朋友写的这些 ，让我回想起了那一段回忆。

那段让我长大，让我成熟 ，让我坚强 ，让我知道相爱是那么不容易的经历。

我可以在别人面前说到这是一件像吃喝拉撒一样很普通不过的经历。

可是你知道吗？那是浪费了一个人六年时间的经历。

那六年里，我定我们的关系为熟悉的陌生人。

我们是从小学四年级开始认识。而这段经历是从六年级开始。

从初中二开始我们都没讲话了。不要想像初中一我们讲话很多。讲起来都不超过一百句，我想连五十句都没有吧。慢慢的，我们再也没有任何的接触。

这其中发生了很多只有我一个人懂的事情。

想回去，很佩服我自己怎么走到去六年。

低潮期也一个人过了。整整过了二，三年。

想起来的话，也没有想哭的冲动了。只会用回＂想当年＂的感觉来想回吧。

跟自己说过，没有第二次了，再也没有。

                _________________________________________________________________________________

这是让我觉得记忆犹新的句子。那位朋友写的句子。

>>>＂如果曾经有一个人为了你而等待，不管是三年还是三个月，请不要那样轻率地选择拒绝。这世间的缘分并不像空气那样廉价，再平凡不过的相遇与相识。在亲情以外，没有谁人能够轻易而又不求回报地为一个人付出一段寂寞的等待。即使没有欣喜的结果，也一度温暖过冷若冰霜的心灵。＂

>>>: 等待不苦，苦的是没有希望的等待。

               

>>> 一个人，尤其是一个女人在为另一个人等待的那刻起，她已不再真正年轻。人生开始了它的苍老。虽然等待永远充满着未知，而死亡却是唯一不会落空的，我们或许忧惧或许悲壮，却是一个无可奈何无以更改的事实，因为谁都无法支配，因为我们在劫难逃。----《等待是一生最初苍老》

                     

>>>也许所有的初恋都一样，它只是为后来的恋爱做一个序幕而已，可是到后来你才发现，你如果再想爱上一个人，是这样难这样难。难到你以为你已经不能再爱，不可再爱，难到你找到的下一个人，还以第一个人为蓝本。-

>>>: 我也学着放下了。不是我变了，是我真的无能为力了，我认输了，我折腾不动了。

         

>>>: "世界上最糟糕的一种感觉是，你无法爱上别人，只因你依然留恋那个伤害你的人。"

         

>>>＂不要等到忍无可忍才想着去放弃不适合你的男人。时间是女人最宝贵的财富，该转身的时候就要转身离开，哪怕要过好一段伤心的日子，你也要明白，那就是个错误，无需再花时间去证明了。＂

         
          ________________________________________________________________________

你有看完吗？一字不漏地看完？ 如果有，告诉我。因为我觉得没人会把它给看完。太太太长了。

这一个经历是我的唯一一个恋爱史。

对，只是暗恋。可是日子太久了。搞得很多人都知道。--无奈啊。

我不会说我后悔了，因为也不可能后悔了。

还满珍惜这段记忆。虽然过的时候煎熬。可是也过了。

到此为止吧。明天大学的第一个测验等着我呢。。祝我统统及格！

谢谢你们读到这里哦。